So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
