i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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