Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
