I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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