I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
