Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
