And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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