Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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