and my herpes radar will keep us safe
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize