I wish I only lived at night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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