I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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