I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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