He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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