there's paper in my vomit.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
