Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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