you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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