I think scott just propositioned me for sex
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
