Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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