the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
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Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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