go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
