My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
