I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
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However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
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i think my cat just said my name.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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