this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
