Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
