Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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