Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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