she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
