EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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