M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
