Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
