I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
