How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
