fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
