My hand turned me down
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
