Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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