I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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