we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My liver just had a heart attack.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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