There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
