Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
