you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
