i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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