Don't make out with my wife yet
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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