Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
