so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
