Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
