if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
