so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
