party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
