just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
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I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
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Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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