I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
