I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
