Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
