I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
