if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
