If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
