he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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